Blurred Visions of Dreams

Kelsey Amell
I am crouched down.
The crowd's attention brings them up, so far off their feet.
My tears are pouring down onto the ice below,
forcing me into a weakness as all the pressure and stress
leave my body through my toes.
These tears stream down into my mouth,
agape in the most beautiful dibelief imaginable, 
and ,make a huddle of  dozens of 3-D spots into the ice.
These spots mark every on of the ten years I spent 
dreaming of this moment.
All the long hours of every day pushing myself so hard,
sleep was so easy to fall into at the end of these brutal days.

My national anthem starts to flow.
I flow in and out of verses, all choked up from victory
and I feel the wieght of what I've worked so hard for around my neck.
It hangs so perfectly from a precisely ironed ribbon adorned
with the 5 rings on my collar bone that adorn every sight around me.
The sphere falls to my gut, full with butterlies,
playfully spinning around,
poking at my glistening award they and I have been yearning to touch.

Then, the bass starts to pound from a lame, mainstream, crappy rap song.
I am still crouched down.
In a bittersweet realization, i look up
and see nothing but a cheap, buzzing light fixture,
blinding my dilated pupils.
Confused, I set my sights directly in front of me.
There sits a cigarette-ashed coffee table completely covered
with Smirnoff bottles and beer cans i can't even read the labels of.
The trashed teens are all stumbling around,
unaware of their surroundings and unaware of me,
still crouched on the floor like a child.

I find that the butterlies in my gut that seemed so happy
seconds ago,
are just as wasted as I am.
They are falling all over the place and bouncing off the walls.
As are all my friends standing around.
I can hear them slurr words....
"C'mon, Kels! Have a good time and don't worry about it!!"
I muster up the srength to come to my feet.
My eyes atare at the same spot straight-ahead without a blink, as I walk around aimlessly.
Don't worry about it?
I have been obsessing over this almost as heavy 
as I have been drinking the past two years.

Everytime, I catch myself stumbling home at 4 AM
with my little water bottle, that was once my source of energy on the ice, 
now carrying beer, my source of now, only feeling like shit.
God only knows i can't get enough of it.
I crash in the door as I hear my baby brother stirring
because of my entrance.
For the hell of it, i throw my figure skates on for the first time
in about over a year.
It felt so right.
I felt like I was born with them on my feet
and I finally had a sense as if I were again complete.

Is this really what I gave up?
So easily replaced by nightly intoxicated strolls.
I was once so happy and sure of myself....
now,
Regret has taken over.
My eyes have filled with the darkness of the death of my dreams,
and everything I have thrown away, carrying with them, my life.
It seems my Irises will forever be absent of that spotlight's beaming light.